Ian

Quite possibly one of the funniest line readings Jeremy Irons has ever given.

I once slaughtered turkeys for some quick cash during the Thanksgiving season. When all was said and done, it was time for everyone to hose themselves off. An older man there offered to spray me down.

“Sure!” I thought innocently. But as the water started flowing, and the big meat hands began to all-too-slowly splash water all over my latex covered torso, the barely contained smile was causing immediate alarm bells within my head.

Cars in upstate New York get rusted out and fast. I had an old Bonneville that always felt like a death trap to be driving in.

My pops used to have a long rhyme about which rocks to avoid when making your way through streams in waders. Grey was always okay. But step on red and you’re dead. Green was mean, brown – fall down, black and you’re on your back.

Cut to 14 years later and I’m hiking with the Mrs. and wouldn’t you know it, I missed a slimy red rock poking out of a little creek I was crossing. While I only fell one Ian’s distance to the ground, it felt like I was falling forever.

When asked, this is exactly how my brother summarized Paranormal Activity.

Ever had a cat poop on his own tail? There’s only one way for him to get it off.

I once conquered my living room and no one believed me.

So I made a visual representation of my exploits to try and convince people. It worked.