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Adventures in MSPaint

Sensual Slaughter

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I once slaughtered turkeys for some quick cash during the Thanksgiving season. When all was said and done, it was time for everyone to hose themselves off. An older man there offered to spray me down.

“Sure!” I thought innocently. But as the water started flowing, and the big meat hands began to all-too-slowly splash water all over my latex covered torso, the barely contained smile was causing immediate alarm bells within my head.

Red You’re Dead

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My pops used to have a long rhyme about which rocks to avoid when making your way through streams in waders. Grey was always okay. But step on red and you’re dead. Green was mean, brown – fall down, black and you’re on your back.

Cut to 14 years later and I’m hiking with the Mrs. and wouldn’t you know it, I missed a slimy red rock poking out of a little creek I was crossing. While I only fell one Ian’s distance to the ground, it felt like I was falling forever.

I Was Once a Hero

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I once saved a child’s life. She ran in between an automatic door and a hand rail like a little bean head. I held the door in place while her mom yelled at her to move. The child looked up at me with horror in her eyes, like was the one about to squish her.

Whatevs. Real heroes don’t need to be thanked.